Top 10 stupidest "Top 10" lists of 2008

1. Children's Books - most kids I know are far more interested in comics, DVDs of Mary-Kate and Ashley and their PSP than whatever some overpaid literati thinks is a suitably meaningful, artistic and slightly offbeat children's book. I mean, the absolute top story is called "The Pencil" and is a desperately overcomplicated meta-story-within-a-(crap)-story. The chracters in the story decide what happens! Gasp! How empowering and philosophically interesting! And if you are five, how boring, confusing and stupid. I'd rather have an actual pencil.
2. Reasons Women Can't Drive - Hey, why don't you get four lame cliched jokes about women, realize you can't think of six more, so restate the first four in a few slightly different ways. Then throw in casual references to "your girlfriend", illustrate the list with pictures of incredibly hot girls, and jack off to fantasies of them being impressed by your driving skills and, er, "wit".
3. Holiday Web Threats - Uh, you do get the concept of "Top 10" lists, right? Man you must have been bored to come up with this one.
4. Most Violent Video Games - actually quite a cool list, but either gaming PR is even more insidiously twisted, cunning and brilliant than the worst end-of-level boss OR this woman is a moron who has just given kids a great way to pick which games to buy with their Christmas cash. Best descrption: "Blitz the League II" -- Steroid and drug use is encouraged and wins are celebrated with hookers. That sounds awesome.
5. Top 10 lists - LifeHacker takes self-referential to whole new heights. I wish this was a parody, but it's not. They have listed their top 10 of their own top 10 lists.
6. Startups worth watching - now, by the law of jinx, at least 7 of these are guaranteed to appear in all of the the 2009 "Whatever happened to..?" lists. Fon, LinkedIn and AdMob might do OK, but hey - can LinkedIn really still be called a startup?
7. Websites - Gah! Stop trying to boost traffic to your friends' boring websites in the hope that they'll do the same for yours. Example: if part of the description of a website is "provides unparalleled coverage of transportation and planning issues in New York City" it is not one of the top 10 websites of 2008.
8. Least Stolen Vehicles - apparently people don't steal large shiny SUVs (usually in shades of red) sold by companies with big ad budgets. Who knew...
9. Best bartenders in Chicago - if they were that good, they'd be in New York.
10. People who died in 2008 - gets cool points for utter weirdness, but seriously folks... a Top 10 list? For dead people?

Mishearing fish

Twice in the past week I have misheard ordinary phrases as fish-related. I think this may be the beginning of a fish-related time in my life. I know, deep, huh? Sometimes these things are not just coincidence. I think they may have been whatever the aural equivalent of a Freudian slip is. (I guess I should have mis-spelled that as oral. At least that's what your mother said.)

So, seeing as you're so curious, here were the phrases:
Mackerel conference (actually MacWorld Conference). I did wonder why my friend was suddenly so into mackerel, but hey, he works at Apple and they're all pretty weird.
You're a doctor not a cod - obviously meant to be "God". Or maybe not... are cod particularly useful in first-aid situations?

However, neither of these are as bad as when I mis-read a line in a blog post about particle physics as "Large Hardon Collider". Man, that image had me laughing so hard coffee came out of my nose. And I wasn't even drinking coffee.

PS sorry for the holiday hiatus, but I was too busy getting drunk to avoid talking to my mother to write any blog posts.

Stupid things people say are like sex

BlackBerrys No. BlackBerrys are far superior. I wake up in the middle of the night, roll over and check my BlackBerry EVEN when I am too tired for sex. If I had to go without one or the other for the rest of my life... no question. Luckily, most Blackberry addicts didn't have sex very much before RIM introduced the little electronic temptresses anyway.

Marketing The kind of people who want to do it think that they are better at it than they are. They are actually only successful because they are slightly more attractive than the rest of the human race, and have a natural talent for bullshitting. Many people have come to the conclusion that the entire thing is a total waste of time.

Programming A comparison which I am sure will cheer up a lot of lonely computer engineers, until they one day get lucky, have sex with a real live person, and realize that it is actually NOTHING like programming. The quote is from Linus Torvalds, which suggests that somewhere in Scandinavia sex is a undertaken simultaneously by a vast number of volunteers for little or no reward other than their own satisfaction and bragging rights, and many people believe that one man is ultimately directing the entire process. Which leads me to conclude that either: a) Linus Torvalds has some weird sexual fantasies or b) he got it confused with religion.

Writing Petition Denied. Invalid Similie Alert. (I write pretty much every day, trust me on this one)

Physics This one only gets consideration because Richard Feynman said it, and he is one of the few physicists that I not only suspect has had sex, but probably does so with some regularity. (I'm not the only one, if this is any indication). Thus, I accept this similie with the clarification that they are both things that Richard Feynman is good at.

Salsa - well obviously. It involves grinding your crotch into a member of the opposite sex, getting hot and sweaty, tripping over your feet because you've had one too many mojitos and ending up doing it with your original partner's less attractive friend by the end of a relatively depressing night that was only livened up by watching a few people who were really, really good at it.

Artseal Plaquemount Winner of the Most Unquestionably Ridiculous Similie Award. (Narrowly beating Ted Stevens' wonderful "The internet is a series of tubes" argument for network neutrality)

Snowstorms (unattributed) -you don't know how long it will last or how many inches you will get, but make sure you have your chains with you just in case.

Note: These are Similies. Not metaphors. Not analogies. Similies. OK?

Relationship exit strategies (for girls)

MBO
Your SO is sick of you nagging and telling him what to do. He wants to be independent and run his own life, and so he tells you to get lost. Unfortunately he is only able to do this with substantial outside backing and logistical support (probably from his mother).
It is highly possible that his new strategic vision will involve a couch, some PBR and Guitar Hero. He will almost certainly be a prime target for a hostile takeover in the near future by some agressive Carl Icahn-type girl who will insist on a new haircut, new wardrobe and have him marched up the aisle within 6 months.

Sell to a strategic investor
You feel that his value on the market is far less than his value to someone with a different set of purchasing criteria, who can realize synergies that you cannot. Good example: if he's Jewish, let a Jewish girl have him. The bonus in terms of potential Mother-In-Law relations is far, far higher for her. Ditto letting your useless American boyfriend marry an immigrant who needs him for visa purposes.

IPO
You feel you taken him from his growth phase to maturity, but want to liquidate your investment and be free to pursue other options. The opportunity cost of sticking with him is high, and you think a spell on the open markets will force a little discipline. Don't stick around unless he's genuinely a cash cow.

Flipping
You're in and out as fast as you can - buying in on a downswing (probably catching the guys in a moment of alcohol-related lust and/or loneliness) and always confident you'll find someone happy to take him off your hands afterwards. You minimize your investment and certainly will not have wasted any of your time cleaning his apartment or teaching him how to cook*.

Note: it's always easy to find a sucker, the hard part is finding another one (so make sure you're not sucker #1).

(Left-wing/ liberal alternative versions:

• Recycle
• Compost
• Incinerate)

* I had a much better "teaching him how to XXX" there, but it was, well, XXX rated. I'm feeling family-friendly today.

My top ten favorite bitches

Bitches are underappreciated. Here are my top ten:

Joan Collins
Marquise de Mertuil (Les Liasons Dangereuses)
Whatever Sarah Michele Gellar's role is in Cruel Intentions (see above)
Madonna (when talking about any of her exes)
Marissa Mayer - she dumped Larry Page. Awesome.
Judy Dench as "M"
Queen Elizabeth I (Virgin queen my ass)
Paris Hilton
Perez Hilton
Sarah Palin

Yes, I am allowed to mix fictional and non-fictional characters. As I have said before, my blog - my rules.


People who didn't make it:

Anyone who wears a t-shirt which says "I'm not a bitch, I'm THE bitch" (who isn't a cute gay boy)
Angelina Jolie: just waaaay too crazy to be an actual bitch
Whiny women who have the power but waste it moaning about their weight, their desire to do good, or both (Oprah, I am looking at you)
Sarah Palin's daughter

Excuses, excuses

I started about five new posts last night in an energetic stream-of-consciousness ramble which may or may not have been related to the extremely good Bordeaux perched right next to my laptop.

Luckily for you guys, when I checked this morning I decided not to post any of them.

You get this instead. Highly recommended.

Regrets... or not.

Two things people never regret - going bankrupt and having a Brazilian. At least according to a popular UK online discussion forum. And yelp.

Is this the opposite of "you don't know what you've got 'til it's gone"? Meaning, you don't know what you wish wasn't there until it is forcibly removed by bailiffs/ ripped from your stinging skin with hot wax?

Silly Friend's love life - The Story Continues...

... with yet another demonstration of cliched* assholery.

Friend "K" (nothing like Kafka's hero of the same name, except a tendency to find herself in odd situations and occasionally screw wait staff) was in town for a visit. K is small, cute and blond with big brown eyes and an incredibly competitive nature. She flirts with other people's boyfriends in front of them, and with other people's husbands behind their backs. Some people might say she is a bit of a bitch, but I am actually a huge fan of hers, mainly because I think most of the guys she flirts with are complete dicks who need to have their dickishness revealed to the world. You could almost call her a public service in that sense (as opposed to the sense people have called her that in the past). She is also married now, which does allow a bit of leeway in the whole "it was just flirting" argument.

So, silly friend and K head out for drinks and SF (silly friend - decided acronyms should be fairly distributed) starts getting some unprecentented and slightly flirtatious texts from MLS (the manipulative little shit - see earlier posts). A few mojitos down K contrives to "jokingly" hi-jack SF's phone and text MLS back to come join them.

He does so, and predictably proceeds to flirt wildly with K, who loves every minute of it, despite having heard many long and complex stories of his confusing and evil ways from SF. SF herself watches them, drinks more and gets extremely depressed, having talked herself into a corner by asserting too many times that she and MLS are "just friends" and that she "really doesn't think of him that way". She even starts to try to convince herself that she is "glad he is enjoying himself" because she "likes to see him happy". Pathetic much?

Night ruined. For me too, because the moment she told me the story (late-night drunken call just as I was enjoying a cigarette on my balcony) I got so angry with both of them that I had to have three more brandies to calm myself down.

Epilogue: MLS, on next meeting with SF, tells her that he thinks K is a bit of a prick-tease. SF revels in this, under the erroneous assumption that this somehow makes her look better in comparison. (Quick note: guys only call girls they like prick teases). Nothing has been learned.

* should have an acute accent on the "e", but I can't get it to work. Forgive me. You probably don't care much anyway. It wasn't important.

*Please assume an acute accent on that "e". Can't work out how to do it with this damn software.

Dear Tech journalists: you are not writing sci-fi

Why do they try and make every article sound like a science fiction novel?

Like this one discussing Zoetrope - the headline is "Back button to the future". Talking it up or what? It archives web pages. Big bloody deal.

Or this one: Teleporting Becomes a Reality. Like fuck it does.

At least this one just blatantly references Star Trek in hyping up a relatively untested ultrasound device. However, I seem to remember the version that they had on the Enterprise cured pretty much every non-plot-essential injury or illness in seconds. You've got a long way to go, baby.

So, Tech Journalists, Tech news sites (I'm looking at you Engadget) and Tech bloggers (you know who you are), please start looking at exciting new scientific developments with more critical eye and CHILL THE FUCK OUT.

Now, when someone invents a functional hoverboard, then you're allowed to let loose with the hyperbole. Until then, tone it down, OK?

Short stories

So, in my quest to decide whether I can get away with meaningful shorter posts on my blogs (OK, maybe not a quest: I don't have a sword) I discovered the twitter short story contest: fantastic idea! A story in just the 140 characters you are allowed in a twitter post.

My attempt:
If anyone ever really knew what was going on in other people's heads, they would probably kill themselves. At least I did. But I didn’t consider what happens when you die.

Unfortunately that is 141 words, but I don't want to change it. Hey, my blog, my rules. (Having a word limit is an amazing way to fine-tune prose, though, as anyone who has ever had to write a business school application will tell you.) But the problem with a lot of these entries is that they read like the intro to a story, rather than a full story arc. Does that imply that a good story intro should give you enough to be a full story, or just that these entrants didn't really get it?

(Of course it is now obligatory to reference Hemingway's "Short story in 6 words". So I won't. It's pretty cool though.)

Life vs. Blog

I haven't posted in a really, really long while. There are three decisions I need to make:

• Do I sacrifice quality for quantity/ regularity? Probably no.
• Is it OK to occasionally let my blogging lapse because the rest of my life is busy? No, I either give it up or make a commitment to post regularly.
• Can I substitute the occasional short, pithy post with my longer stories..? I think I need to experiment here.

OK, I guess there is one other - can I post a bunch of random internal-monologue-type questions about how bad I feel about not posting, and get away with this being counted as a genuine post?

I'm thinking yes...