Vanilla is a flavor

I feel sorry for vanilla. It has somehow been demoted as a flavor.
Just because you can now get fifty-seven varieties of Ben & Jerry's each with up to seven ingredients (banana and caramel ice-cream with chocolate-covered fudge chunks, toffee popcorn pieces and a swirl of chocolate sauce...) doesn't mean than the good old standbys (strawberry, chocolate) are given any less shelf space, except, for some reason, vanilla. It is the ice-cream that you serve with pie or other desserts, because it won't clash. It is the non-flavor.
The word vanilla is even used as a euphemism for missionary position (read, "dull") sex.
The vanilla bean used to be considered an exotic and subtle spice, highly prized, used in sweet and savory dishes alike, and even in perfume (still a great way for girls to get attention from guys, especially if they are slightly hungry at the time). What went wrong?
I blame Mr Whippy (or even US Mr Whippy) for creating the most incredibly bland, articificial and boring ice-cream in the world, and insisting it is vanilla-flavored.
So, I propose that from now on, if something is boring (especially sex-related) it is called Mr Whippy, not vanilla.
Hmm, I can see how this idea may have some drawbacks...

Silly friend's love life proves age-old truth

There is a fantastic song by Airhead called 'Funny How' which has the lyrics:

"Funny how the girls you fall in love with never fancy you, funny how the ones you don't do"

This observation, nay, truism, has been shown to be correct in thousands of scientific tests across the world, and holds just as true for boys as for girls. I believe it is related to the "Law of What He's Got", otherwise known as "Everybody Acts Like a Toddler", and is related to the extreme rise in desirability of anything which you thought you had, and now don't. OK, in psychology it is actually called the Scarcity principle, but I like my names better.

Anyway, the most recent update in the silly friend's love life (read all about it here, here and here) is a perfect example of this. She met, through a common friend (not a mutual friend: see here for pedantic explanation) another guy whom she had liked for a while, but who was only recently single. They spent some good times together over a series of weekend, flirting like crazy and generally irritating grouches like me who are not keen on PDAs (both the electronic devices and the public groping, as it happens).

The result of this situation was that for a week or two my friend was walking around with her head in the clouds about New Guy, and therefore not responding with as much enthusiasm as usual to the sporadic communications from the other guy (MLS or manipulative little shit, as he shall now be known). MLS has reacted by upping the frequency and intensity of his chat, and even telephoning her directly, twice, to ask her out for dinner. I find it hard to believe that his increased amorousness is anything other than the realization that his favorite fallback ego-stroker was drifting away, but she (and several of her other silly friends that she has enlisted in the attempt to make me believe that he really is The One) sees in this turn of events important signals that there is real potential here. This is mainly because the situation with New Guy didn't work out, so she is now in need of someone else to daydream about while not doing any work.

I am certain that MLS will undoubtedly shy away again in response to her newfound interest in him, canceling a few dates at the last minute and starting to drop the names of other girls into conversation, unless she can somehow keep up the pretense of not really caring and having numerous better offers. Fat chance.

So turns the Wheel of Life.

Hurricane relief reaches new levels

Watching CNN ('America's most trusted news source' - which strikes me as rather like being 'America's least unhealthy bacon double cheeseburger' or 'China's least underage gymnast) this morning, I was impressed by a very authoritative-looking chap in army garb explaining how much more directed, efficient and precise the response to Hurricane Ike was than to Hurricane Katrina (mental note - does this odd 'naming hurricanes' thing have an effect on childrens names? I'm sure Katrina is a less desirable name down in New Orleans now...).

He went on to give examples:

• If people need blankets, we can get them blankets
• If people need food, we deliver them food
• If people need ice, we make sure they have ice

Hang on a minute. Ice? Because in the aftermath of a hurricane it is really important to have properly cooled drinks?

I have a vision of a couple out on their porch relaxing with a nice cocktail, then saying 'Dang, we're out of ice again. Honey, can you call the army and tell them to bring some by on their way over to building shelter for all the people whose houses were wrecked. Oh, and if they could pick up some pretzels too, that would be great'.

Republicans

I guess I can’t ignore this whole political shitstorm much longer, although it is somewhat (f this is a word) overblogged. POW/MILF jokes aside, can I just say that both tickets seem full of shit and I’m heartily glad I’m not eligible to vote. If I were, I would probably decide on the day to vote with whichever party looks like it’s losing, in the interests of fairness. As someone said (note to self, look up quote when sober) democracy isn’t the ability to vote in the people you want running the country, it’s the ability to vote out those you don’t. But as Bush is on his way out anyway, no need!

On another note, the British comedian Russell Brand has been being criticized recently for some very ‘ill-thought-out’ remarks at some music awards thing. Firstly, can I say from personal experience of the thoroughly obnoxious Mr. Brand, he was probably high as a kite on a combination of narcotics and his own foul ego at the time. Secondly, as a Brit he really didn’t have a clue how stupid, inflammatory and downright offensive most Americans would find his words. Lastly, many people in Europe are under the impression that all Americans hate Bush as much as they do, and are therefore all pretty sure that the US will not vote Republican again, just to make absolutely sure nothing like the last eight years will ever happen again. Oh how wrong they are.
Question: would the much-sought-after naked pics of Sarah Palin cause her popularity to go up or down? Answers to the usual address, where they will be ignored.

When fashion sense goes wrong

People can dress well (gay men). people can not give a shit how they dress (lesbians, computer programmers) but the very, very worst fashion crimes are those pulled off by people trying to be fashionable, and failing miserably.

I mean, stonewashed jeans and a slightly faded Pantera t-shirt, or badly-fitting black pants and black button-down shirt are never going to land you on the front cover of Vogue, but people will walk past you without wincing, which is more than can be said for mullets, puffball skirts and pre-teen girls wearing glittery pink eye make-up (tip, girls - if even Barbie looks embarassed to be seen in it, it's too girlie).

The sad truth is that it is always the people who are trying really hard, reading fashion magazines, hanging out at sample sales and scouring blogs for details of the 'must-have hits of fashion week' (awful, awful phrase) who will end up looking like utter prats. They will hear that shorts are in, platform shoes are 'so now' and you literally have to be seen in a to-die-for silk blouse with bow detail, they will wear them all at once, probably with some kind of overdone bouffant hairdo and 'statement' make-up. They will look terrible.

My no-fail fashion advice - just before you leave the house, look in the mirror and if you think you look like last month's Vogue cover, go change.