T-shirt slogans

So, in my last post I mentioned one of my favourite T-shirt slogans ever: "I listen to bands that don't even exist yet". I've come up with a few more of my own.

• If Jesus loves me, why doesn't he ask me out?
• Evolution is a theory? So is gravity, now go jump off a bridge.
• Make like the Dow Jones. Get down.
• They may be real but they're still expensive (ladies only)
• Election rigging is for losers.
  

OK, lazy post, I admit. I've had a heavy week. Maybe I should move on to bumper stickers next...

Asking for it

Walking past a 7-Eleven today, I noticed a large sign in the window promoting their coffee cup poll on the election. The simple idea is that you buy your coffee in either a red paper cup with 'McCain' written on the side, or a blue paper cup emblazoned with the name 'Obama', allowing 7-Eleven to get free publicity by figuring out the broad voting preferences of people too lazy to make their own coffee and too poor to go to Starbucks - a key demographic if there ever was one.
Of course, the real point here is that you get to walk through the streets proudly declaring your political affiliation, which I believe is the twenty-something equivalent of wearing t-shirt with your favorite band on it - or at least, the current cool "favorite band' in your high-school, because teenagers rarely have independent musical taste (unless they identify with a particular sub-group and wear the appropriate band t-shirt to retain their rank in the group hierarchy. It is actually a wonder some of these bands release music at all, when simply by producing the right kind of t-shirt they can leap in popularity: any band whose t-shirt involves a weird symbol on black with gothic writing will become the in thing for the goths, even if they actually play light jazz. The only truly appropriate t-shirt is this). This is essential in attracting an appropriate mate, reinforcing your membership of your social group, and announcing that you hold the ‘correct’ opinions. (That goes for both the coffee cup and the band.).
My problem with this coffee-cup thingy is, however, that I am currently in San Francisco. Did 7_eleven even bother stocking any red cups here? If I went in and tried to order one, would the poor guy serving* look at me blankly and mumble something about having to check out the back? If I even managed to purchase a coffee in a red cup, how far down the street would I manage to get before some SF nutjob charged up and accused me of being a fascist, pro-life, gun-toting creationist? I’m guessing less than three feet, depending how many of SFs homeless I have to walk round on the way.
Anyhow, seeing as I actually can’t vote here, I have a cunning plan: next time I go to Starbucks I will give my name as ‘David Cameron’ so they scribble that on the side of my cup and I can walk around the city proclaiming my actual intended vote. At least in that situation I am relatively safe in that anyone who understands the reference and can work out my political views from it is probably polite enough not to mention them.

*OK, 7-Eleven may be self serve. I don’t know. I go to Starbucks. Or Peets. Or make my own damn coffee in my very fine French Press.

Foreign girlfriends and babies

While out for a drink recently in the UK with several couples that I hadn't seen for a while, I was struck by the remarkable similarity in the behavior of two of my recently married male friends. Not all that odd, you might think, except that in one instance the guy was interacting with his 10-month-old baby, and in the other with his new Japanese girlfriend.

The problem being, of course, that said Japanese girlfriend couldn't speak English (although apparently she was fluent in Korean, which is less than helpful in a North London pub) and is also small and cute. There seemed to be an equal amount of petting and babytalk going on in both cases, as well as the quite excruciatingly embarrassing ‘ Talking for her’ habit. Please envision:

(Girl points, turns to Daddy/Husband with a happy and slightly expectant look on her face)
HIM: She likes your shoes, that’s what that means. (smiling sickeningly into her face) You like shoes don’t you? (To me again, rather unnecessarily). She likes shoes. Especially brightly colored ones. (Back to her, incomprehensible babble and kissing)
ME: Right. Excuse while I get slammingly drunk.
(A short while later)
HIM: … so she’s doing really well. Aren’t you? See, she understands a lot more than you realize. Don’t you, sweetheart?

I think the main thing that bothers me is how much both of these guys seem to like the role of adored protector, and having someone to fuss over, teach and, well, dominate. I’m not sure if it is more disturbing in the case of the child or the girlfriend, but I must say it does always seem to be men with insecurity issues who go for the foreign girls. Or maybe they just don’t seem as boring in a different language…

Darwinists Hastily Hide away a Fossil...

The title of this blog is not, as I thought when I first saw it, some kind of mneumonic or amusing acronym. It is an actual quote from this website which contains one of the most self-defeating and ridiculous critiques of evolutionary theory that I have ever seen. The page simply drips both stupidity and casual grammatical errors: "[Darwinism] convinced people they were descended from ape-likes".
This article is utterly unscientific and contain no citations (although there is an amusing list of links including such wonderful titles as "A Historical Lie: The Stone Age". Skipping over (for now) the fact that it should be An Historical Lie, I find denying the concept of a time when human beings used stone tools a little far-fetched, even for a religious nutjob.) or basic references to some of its claims, even the ones that are technically true (Piltdown Man was a hoax, just not by "Darwinists"). One of their links also cites surveys showing that 92% of French people don't believe in evolution (French people don't believe in anything) and 88% of Danish people disagree with the statement "Human Beings Are Descended From Apes". Discarding for a moment the possibility that the Danes were thrown by the Unecessary Over Use Of Capital Letters, the likelihood is that their superior scientific education allowed them to spot the trick question: Humans and Apes may have had a common ancestor, but there is no line of descent. Takes more than that to fool the Danish. Must be the pastries.

Or perhaps I have missed the point of this article. Perhaps by simply existing and demonstrating their utter lack of intelligence the authors hope to refute Darwin's theory. How can people this stupid have been allowed to a) live b) reproduce c) have unsupervised access to a computer?

For a much more educated discussion of evolution, full of handy ways to shut up creationists, try here or simply get yourself a decent education. Not in Kansas, ideally.

Evolution is a Theory. So is gravity. Now go jump off a building.

Top songs about California

Californication (Red Hot Chili Peppers)
Best lyric: "The sun may rise in the East, at least it sets in a finer location". Fuck you, Boston, you suck.
What this song is really about: People in California have more sex
What liking this song says about you: You moved to California to get more sex, but you picked SF not LA and so are stuck with tech geeks, gay guys and zero single girls

Los Angeles Waltz (Razorlight)
Best lyric: OK, not a lyric, but the fact that this track actually is in classical waltz time, so you could actually imagine an old-time couple dipping around a ballroom to it - until you get to the line 'It's been such a fucked-up year'
What this song is really about: Nobody is ever actually from LA
What liking this song says about you: When you are tired of LA you are tired of life. If you like this song you are either a) suicidal or b) about to move to SF

Fake Tales of San Francisco (Arctic Monkeys)
Best lyric: "You're not from New York City, you're from Rotherham"
What this song is really about: Guys will say anything to get into a girls panties. Nothing new there.
What liking this song says about you: You know where Rotherham is. You have never been to California.

California Girls (The Beach Boys)
Best lyric: "The mid-west farmers daughters really make you feel alright" Talk about damning with faint praise...
What this song is really about: California girls put out
What liking this song says about you: You would like to think you have enough experience with women to be able to have an opinion on these stereotypes. You are nostalgic for a California that never existed, and even if it did, only did so about thirty years before you were born...

California Love (2Pac feat. Dr Dre)
Best lyric: "Let's show these fools how we do it on tha West side, Cause you and I know it's tha best side" Fuck you Boston, you suck (did I say that already).
What this song is really about: California knows how to party
What liking this song says about you: You are not a Gangsta. You are not a baller. You are not a Playa. You wince when it gets to the line 'Now it's 95" because it reminds you of how old you are. You love California better than your own mother.

Hotel California (The Eagles)
Best lyric: "She got a lot of pretty, pretty boys, that she calls friends". So, the hotel's run by a fag hag, makes sense.
What this song is really about: You can get some really, really good drugs in California.
What liking this song says about you: You are a) suicidal, but not quite far enough along to listen to Elliott Smith or b) you are a teenager experimenting with smoking banana skins and dried oregano and believing yourself to be a major force in some kind of drug counterculture. Give it a few years, and you may well move to category a).

LA is my Lady (Frank Sinatra)
Best lyric: "And love's kept me cool in July and warm in December". Cool in July? Clearly he means San Francisco...
What this song is really about: You can get some really, really good drugs in California. (Ref: I get no kick from Champagne - you know what that song is, about, right?)
What liking this song says about you: You are my grandfather, you don't get the drug references and you still call Sinatra 'Ol' Blue Eyes'. Get away from my blog.

Under The Bridge (Red Hot Chili Peppers)
Best lyric: "she kisses me windy" WTF???
What this song is really about: Death or drugs. Not sex.
What liking this song says about you: You are learning to play guitar.

The Hippopotamus Doctrine of free markets

In light of the events of the past few weeks, I feel the need to come to the defence of free markets everywhere. My interpretation of free markets can pretty much be summed up as "If you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen". Caveat Emptor is also a good rule.

Some illustrative examples:

• It's worth what someone will pay for it. Stop bleating about how you 'lost' a quarter of the value of your home when the market crashed. You still have the same house, and you weren't going to sell anyway because you just repainted the hallway, your kids have exams soon, and your wife would want to move closer to her Mom who you can't stand.
• If your economy is imploding, move somewhere it isn't. Like Mars.
• If you don't like your roommates because they keep stealing your milk/ coffee/ boyfriends then move to a new apartment. Don't keep putting up weird notes everywhere, that is just sad.
• If you don't like the crime rate/ ethnic mix/ noise levels/ Gay pride festivals in your area, move somewhere else. There is in fact somewhere just as cheap that you could move to. Unfortunately it's in Tucson. The commute may be tough, but hey...
• If you don't like your boss/ coworkers/ commute/ hours/ uniform/ nametag/ desk height then get a new job. Nobody made a law that you are entitled to a job you like: someone is willing to pay you to do something their way, and you can either accept or fuck off to Tucson.
• If you want banks, you're gonna have to pay for them. Big time.
• If you want the money more, you are going to pay a better rate of interest. Or deal with bigger baseball bats.
• If you think the weird moose lady is scary, don't vote for her, even if you are against same-sex marriage and sex education. Really, which would be worse? Having to cringe and hide behind a tree whenever you bump into foreigners after her latest public demonstration of idiocy ("Hey, Kim Jong Il, glad you're feeling better. You're really darn short aren't you? Which bit of Korea are you from again? The one we like or the evil one with nukular weapons?") or having your twelve year old daughter not freak out and try to commit suicide when she gets her first period?
• If you bought a house bigger than you could afford, don't be surprised when someone takes it away.
• If you think the beer is too expensive, or the service is too slow/ rude/ ugly, get the hell out of my bar. You're in my seat. Yeah, I'm starting something. You have a problem with that?

Note: No, since you happened to ask, I don't have any qualifications in economics, political analysis or finance whatsoever. Guess how much of a shit I give? a) none b) fuck-all