I fly a lot, and being a rather laid-back individual, I am a firm believer in remaining in my nice cosy corner next to a power outlet, near enough to the gate to make sure my flight doesn’t leave without me, tapping away productively until the very last moment. I then happily saunter along and take my seat on the plane without any of that tedious waiting around in line that other travelers seem intent on putting themselves through.
Very well, truthfulness has got the better of me. Perhaps nearer to the truth is that I am usually in the bar deliberating on whether I can fit in another martini in the six minutes before my flight is scheduled. Not that I have any doubts about my ability to drink a martini in this time, but sometimes the waitress will take several minutes bringing the damn drink in the first place, and I don’t want to have to leave my olive.
Either way, I am perplexed by the behavior of the throng of people waiting around the gate like starving men at a red cross drop zone, staring at the flight attendant and willing them to call their row next so that they can inject themselves right at the front of the line, make it through the gate and have plenty of time to wait in the gangway of the plane itself with the strap of their plastic bag full of snacks digging into their wrist while they watch a family of six try to fit their entire two-weeks-worth of luggage in an overhead bin.
Apparently this is the crux of the matter: overhead bin space. This is the rationale these people invent for utterly inconveniencing themselves, giving anyone watching them a stress-induced migraine and snapping tetchily at the flight attendant who has dared let those pesky freeloading first class passengers on first. They want to make sure they get space for their luggage in the overhead bin above their seat, and not be forced to (the horror) put their irritating little wheelie-case a little further down the aisle.
Rule 1: unless you are on an overnight trip, you should check your luggage anyway. Otherwise you’ll just have to lug it around the airport in search of the best bar, and throw out all of your toiletries that you forgot to decant into doll-sized bottles.
Rule 2: anything you need during the flight should be by your feet. If you insist on tapping away at a laptop, bringing your own snacks AND having several paperbacks then you can damn well have a cramped footwell. Deal with it.
Rule 3: what are you doing bringing your own snacks? You will be inundated with free peanuts, pretzels and small pieces of cheese-flavored cardboard. Enjoy them. The only thing worth carrying is a decent supply of water, since apparently flying is very dehydrating (as are martinis) and no airline seems capable of serving water in anything larger than a thimble.
However, I am prepared to accept that these people in hot pursuit of prime wheelie-bag-storing real estate do probably make the overall process more efficient than if everyone were like me and hung around until the last minute when the line had disappeared. Although, obviously, if we all did that then there would be no line. Would it be a battle of wills as to who could take it longest? Several of us gritting our teeth muttering “I will not get up yet” until the next person loses their nerve, dashes through and starts the final stampede.
So, I want a definitive answer – is it better to be on first, stow your bags exactly where you damn well want and sit comfortably in the plane waiting, or keep your territory at the gate/bar until the last possible moment?
I really need to start flying first class.
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